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Pick Your Party Tribe

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Christmas is here and it’s time to don your glad rags, grab some mistletoe and shimmy on over to the nearest party. But party politics in 2015 has taken on a new dimension, and as Evening Standard writer Susannah Butter explains, “the same cast of characters will be at every festive bash this year.” So since you’ll be sharing your space with an array of personalities over the Christmas season, best to know how to navigate the party tribes.

We select our favourites…

The Instagrammer: “Guys, look like you’re having fun,” orders the Instagrammer, interrupting conversations in the name of official chronicling of #thattime. This social media star is desperate to show the world how much they are #lovinglife with #thisone, so much so that they end up missing out on said life, says Susannah Butter. Pose for a few of their shots and tell them that they look so on fleek it’s best if they stick to selfies, like a few from account and leave them to it so you can get on with real fun.

The craft-beer bore: “Likely to arrive late because they have come via the microbrewery. While everyone else makes do with four packs of Red Stripe, they have committed to a growler of craft ale and are happy to talk hops all night. Just don’t ask to try any – locally made saison doesn’t come cheap.”

The DJ: “You’ve made a playlist but this part-time DJ, full-time legend, knows better. Thank goodness they are here to break the original news that people like dancing to Fleetwood Mac. The best revenge is to get them so drunk on compliments about their taste – do they have a show on 6 Music? – that they forget to log out of their Spotify Premium account and you can continue using it for free.”

The drinkers in denial: “I’m not going to drink much,” they say, holding a single gin in a tin. Then they clock your prosecco and say it would be rude not to have a glass or four. When the bottle’s finished you suggest a corner-shop run and the whole charade starts again.”

The smupple: “They look friendly but the smug couple are so busy making love eyes at each other that they are unable to talk to the new people around them. You might have seen them on Facebook, captioned avocado toast with #theboy. If they manage to make conversation it will be peppered with in-jokes and supportive statements. Try not to be too smug yourself when you see them at the next party, crying to Hello by Adele.”

The Tinderer: “What’s your wifi password?” is their opening gambit, and “where can I charge my phone?” swiftly follows. They are physically present but their mind is on finding a Tinder match. The GPS element of Tinder means they are likely to meet your neighbours before you do.”

Futon Company says: We loved this cheeky-take on party tribes but think Susannah Butter might have missed one out – The Overnighter: “Where’s your futon?” is the only intelligible sentence that’s left their mouth all night. After drinking the bar dry they have ‘entertained’ guests with an incoherent string of nonsensical babble. Now the sun is starting to rise and the party is emptying out, they finally got smart, deciding that a good sleep will sort them out…

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